Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Something different! Again!

I've started and stopped blogging every few years or so here, and with each iteration I've changed the title. I like thinking back on these titles and realizing they summed up different phases of my life. 

The Ambiguous Anajo - An emotionally shut down teenager who was confused on why she didn't fit in with the rest of the world

The Animated Anajo - A young adult who found love and started to carve out her own place

Well, I can only remember those two. But, new phase, new title. 

This new title, it is just as significant as my previous titles, but a it has an extremely different emotional weight to it. And this new phase/direction, will have an extremely different emotional weight to it. 

There are words and thoughts that I have learned to never say out loud to people. But! That was because I thought I was wrong or broken and for the past 29 years I've been trying to hide the fact that I was broken. Now I know though. 

I am not broken. In fact, eighteen side commas later, I am incredibly average! In about the eight months since I started researching and 'embracing' this, I've seen complete strangers list out every single one of my 'bad thoughts' and my 'bad movements', and other complete strangers comment about their own. 

You hear about 'the wonders of the internet' and how good it is at connecting people. I've never been good at connecting to people. I had one best friend growing up, and as an adult I have less than ten people that I can share anything with. Honestly I never expected it to be so high, I am quite proud of myself. But, finding these strangers who share these weirdest aspects of my life, it's a feeling I've never felt before. I am not great at describing my feelings other than good, bad, angry, sad, happy. But this is one of those happy feelings with a hint of sad and a dash of anger. 

I am not broken. 

I am autistic.

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